


Bucky Just Wants to Remember

by SebastianStan



Series: Stucky Oneshots [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies)
Genre: Bucky has issues, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Steve just wants to help, mostly buckys pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 19:16:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1480993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SebastianStan/pseuds/SebastianStan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky is frustrated he can't remember any of his memories and he feels he doesn't deserve any of Steve's kindness. His fears are getting to him.<br/>Steve just wants to help.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bucky Just Wants to Remember

**Author's Note:**

> Second installment of my Stucky oneshots. I dont intend for these stories to be in the same universe but if theres references to another I will let everyone know.

The memories came in fragments, never telling a whole story. The images inside his head felt more like reruns of a movie he’s seen than parts of his old life. It frustrates Bucky to no end, making him lash out in anger when he can’t remember.

He hates not knowing who he is, only reading about who he’s supposed to be. Hates looking into the mirror and only seeing a strangers face. His hands clench, the faint whirring of his metal hand sounds ready to punch the reflection he sees, but he doesn’t.

He turns rushing out of the cramped space of the bathroom. Steve’s bedroom is right across the hallway and Bucky hesitates. The blonde had gone out an hour ago, but Bucky knew it was in there, knew he had to see it. Slowly he pushes open the door revealing the neat clean space of the captain’s bedroom. The soft blue of the comforter on the bed was a nice break from the harshness of the white walls.

‘ _Typical_.’ Bucky thinks.

A split second later his eyes widen wondering how he was able to know Steve’s preference to decorating his room. His mind wasn’t supplying any memories as to why so he shook it off to focus on why he came in here in the first place.

There on the nightstand by the bed was the object he was looking for. The sleek black frame and clear glass reflecting the moonlight coming in from the window. Bucky made his way over to pick up the frame and stared at the picture it held.

He recognized Steve easily, with a big smile and an arm slung around another person. The other person, Bucky realized, was him. He could recognize his face, but couldn’t remember having the picture taken. He sat heavily on the bed, wishing he could remember.

That was how Steve found him half an hour later with the frame still clutched in his hands.

“Bucky…? You ok?” Steve called softly.

“I just…wish…” Bucky started. His voice was still rough from being underused. Steve had crossed the distance to the bed, sitting beside him.

“I wish…I could remember.”

“It’ll come to you, I’m sure.” Steve reached for the picture, gently prying ti away. He replaced it on the nightstand, “it might be slow, but you can’t force it.”

Bucky stared at his now empty hands. The contrast between the two a reminder of what he really was. He didn’t belong here, with Steve. Didn’t deserve his kindness.

“But what if I can’t…remember. What if I can’t be the friend you remember? I’ll just be a stranger here, with his face.” He said looking pointedly at the picture again.

“But you aren’t a stranger, buck. I know you remember at least something. There’s some part of you that still knows me.”

Steve reached over, slipping a hand into the one made of flesh and bone. His fingers curled against Bucky’s, giving them a light squeeze.

Bucky turned his gaze to their linked hands, feeling the warmth between them he knew he would never feel in his other hand. If he could even call it that; it was a weapon, hydras weapon, the same he had used to try and kill Steve all those months ago.

He didn’t even realize he was almost crushing Steve’s hand until he heard his name being called. Bucky tried pulling away but Steve held fast, bringing his other hand over to rub soothing circles into the skin of his wrist.

The action did very little to calm him but Bucky didn’t try to pull away again. He noticed Steve hesitating though, his mouth opened and closed a few times like he was searching for the right words to say. It was a few more seconds before anything actually came out.

“Do you mind…if I try something?” his voice just barely above a whisper.

Bucky paused, his mind automatically defaulting to _suspicion, observe, analyze_ but he forced himself to push those thoughts away. He was not with hydra anymore, not theirs to control. After a moment he gave a short nod.

“…close your eyes. Just feel…and try to remember.”

Bucky hesitated but did as he was asked, closing his eyes and waited.

It wasn’t long before he felt one of Steve’s hands move up his arm. It stopped at his shoulder, slowly putting pressure as it rubbed back and forth. It suddenly occurred to Bucky that he desperately wished he didn’t have a shirt on to feel the warmth from the others skin against his own.

Then the hand was moving, ghosting across his collarbone, tracing a path up his neck and stopping against the side of his face. He felt fingers tangling in his hair while a thumb caressed his cheek. There was a hot breath against his lips and then a soft pressure.

Steve was kissing him he realized and his eyes flew open in a panic. The blonde pulled away to look back at him, worry settling onto his features.

“Hey, buck, you ok?”

Bucky only stared, his mind buzzing trying to supply a memory, a thought, anything. He didn’t even realize the tears running down his face until the thumb against his cheek wiped them away, the moisture dragging across his skin.

He pulled away fast and stood up from the bed. Steve’s hand slipped from his as he nearly bolted from the room. He made it to the living room before he heard Steve’s frantic footsteps behind him.

“Bucky!”

The fear in the others voice is what stopped Bucky from leaving entirely. He stood in the middle of the living room, his back to Steve. There was a tense silence that filled the room; Bucky swore he could hear his own heartbeat beating loudly in his ears. Steve was slowly making his way over, cautiously, like he was approaching a frightened animal.

But that’s what he wasn’t he, an animal; trained to obey, to take orders and kill.

There was a hand on his arm that made him flinch. He was shaking; Steve was there in front of him, but Bucky refused to look up.

“I’m sorry,” he heard Steve say. “If…I just thought it would help. Please, buck, don’t leave.”

“…I’m dangerous, Steve. I don’t belong here.”

“Of course you do. I need you here. I lost you once, I can’t lose you again.”

“You don’t understand…” Bucky said quietly, finally looking up. “Even if I can remember the friend you once knew, I’ll still know everything I’ve done for Hydra.”

He pulled away from Steve but he didn’t try to leave anymore.

“I’m tainted. I don’t deserve any of this…don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t.” Steve said harshly. “Don’t do this to yourself, buck. Whatever Hydra mad you do was their doing, they forced you.”

The blonde moved back into Bucky’s space, cautiously reaching a hand out, waiting for him to pull away again. When he remained still, the hand gently grasped his own and Steve spoke again.

“All the bad you’ve done doesn’t matter anymore. You’re here with me now. Even if you can’t remember all the good that you’ve done like I do, you can still make your own memories, better ones…with me, if you’ll have me.”

Bucky was quiet as he took in everything Steve said. It was true, he was free now, Hydra didn’t control him anymore. But he was still afraid they would come back, try to use him. He still had nightmares almost every night, the possibility of everything going to ruin haunting him during the day. But through all of it, Steve would be there reassuring him, comforting him and Bucky was finally starting to understand that he could be saved.

“I…I’ll try.” He started after a long pause. He desperately wanted to believe Steve that everything would ok, but knew deep down he would still have doubts. “I just…don’t want to hurt you anymore.”

Steve smiled at him, even giving a small laugh, “You shouldn’t have to worry about that, I’m a lot tougher than I use to be. You know I could hold my own against you anyway.”

Bucky wanted to smile back, he knew Steve was only joking trying to lighten the mood but it still made him think back when he tried to kill the blonde.

When Steve noticed his expression turn sad, he gave a pull on their joined hands, leading them back to his bedroom. They stopped just before the bed, Steve turning back to him, not once letting go of his hand.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” Steve asked softly.

Bucky looked at his…friend, seeing the pleading in his eyes. Steve needed this and he realized it was his chance to comfort the other this time.

Without giving an answer, Bucky lowered himself onto the bed and pulled Steve down with him. They maneuvered themselves so they were lying in their sides, facing each other.

They stayed like that for a while, no more words between them. Steve’s eyes began drifting closed though he clutched tighter at their hands linked between them like he was afraid Bucky would disappear. Noticing this, Bucky inched closer tugging their hands together against his chest.

“It’s alright. I’m not going anywhere.” He whispered.

Steve let out a sigh, finally relaxing and falling to sleep. Bucky stayed awake a few more moments, watching the peaceful face in front of him. He still felt like he didn’t deserve any of this but for Steve he would try.

As quietly as he could, Bucky leaned forward to place a soft kiss against the others lips before laying his head down as close as he could so their foreheads rested together. The last words that left his lips before he fell into a dreamless sleep were a very quiet, “ _Thank you_.”

He never even noticed the tiny smile that graced Steve’s face before he too followed into a peaceful slumber.


End file.
